One Year and Six Weeks


On Saturday, October 11th, I was hit with all the change that has occurred in my life in a period of one year and six weeks. It was my husband’s desire to celebrate my birthday that brought it all home.

In that span of time I met this man, Kin Wright. It was Mr. “I’m never getting married again” meets Ms. “I’m just not the marrying type”. Three months later we were engaged, living together in four and married almost exactly nine months to the day that we met. Suddenly I am a wife and a step mother.

Change is the only constant in our life. We can label them as good or bad. We can fight against change or we can accept what which comes. In reality the label or fighting/acceptance doesn’t make one bit of difference to the change. It does make a difference, huge difference, to us though. We can flow with the change or spend our energy fighting that which is to come. React as you need to, work through your emotions that are tied to whatever change is taking place, but do not cling to what you want. Live, don’t stagnate, because of fear, heart-break or not wanting to let go of the joy.

I have learned that I enjoy living. I love witnessing the changes, some good and some bad, but knowing that they will continue for life does make me smile. Sign me up for that living stuff, cause it turns out I really love it!

Change

Change (Photo credit: mbgrigby)

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Just call me spiritual


My life has changed so much in the last couple of years and at lightning speed in the last year. These changes have me in a state of questioning. All the time.

 

Which is fun… Kind of… Some times… Or a headache…

 

This morning I sat in front of my computer, sipping coffee, reading updates and posts on Facebook. Taking time to catch up with friends and the world when I started to get discouraged from some comments and posts. So filled with hate and negativity. The attitude of “you think differently than I, so you are inferior”.

 

Filled with FEAR! There I said it.

 

Fear is what is behind all of the angst in this world of ours. Fear of being found wanting. Fear of losing control.

 

The thought train then stopped on the “religious” part of my brain and I was hit with the realization that I have changed. I no longer want or need to name my religious belief. I no longer look at what I practice as being wiccan or any other category. I am just a spiritual being. There is no defining it or need to. I no longer feel the need to label so I have a group I can identify with. I am just me being spiritual in a way that feels natural.

 

With this realization comes the knowledge that I am rid of another defining category. I cannot say “I am this and not that”. I can only say that I am… everything and nothing. I am spiritual, as I define it, and I am energy.

 

So when you try to define me or my blog feel free to use the following:

 

Oh you know, that crazy spiritual red-head over at Red Awakening.

 

 

I’m good with that.

 

Love and blessings

 

 

 

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Strange position


I find myself in a strange position. Actually I think my husband probably feels the same way. We are involved in a court case which, in many ways, is a result of us being together and the changes it produced in him. Our relationship has led to him believing in himself again. Which is huge and I am so very proud of him for it. He is an incredible husband, father and over all human being.

Yep, I absolutely love this man of mine.

The position we find ourselves in is one of apologizing to each other for the actions of a third-party. We are dealing with issues with because of this. This is the reason why I disclosed my real name yesterday. I’m having a hard time with the result of the actions that brought me here.

I feel violated all over again. Due to what has occurred I have reached out to the lawyer and disclosed the details of my abusive relationship. Do I regret doing that? No, but I resent the position that put me here. I had a choice, yes, I did. I could have stayed quiet, my husband was completely okay with that. See I couldn’t do that. That wasn’t the right thing to do on any level. At least not for me. Not for the code of ethics that I live my life by. The belief of doing no harm followed by helping when you can doesn’t leave me the choice of sitting quietly off to one side. What I resent is someone trying to play us in this way. To use my past as a wedge between us. That I resent beyond belief.

I just got off the phone with my husband who called when I was crying. I explained how I was feeling and he started apologizing. After the call I sat thinking and I found myself thinking how all of this is my fault. By being in his life I caused this. The truth is that neither of us caused this. The truth is that a third-party has taken action due to not being control. Or to be exact they have taken action because his life isn’t the miserable abyss it they wanted it to be.

Well I’m done. No more taking responsibility for what isn’t mine. I fully own my response to all of this. Obviously I have some work to do on the shame I still feel in connection to the abuse. Maybe I owe this third-party a thank you for bring it to my attention. What I will not own is their actions. I’m pretty confident my husband will join me in this decision when he gets home from work.

Time for us to remember to own what is ours and to leave the rest by curb. You know, where garbage belongs.

Peace and blessings.

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I would like to introduce myself…


Hi,

Hello My Name Is....  221/365

Hello My Name Is…. 221/365 (Photo credit: bump)

I would like to introduce myself. My name is Mary Wright. That is my real married last name. Gone is my writer name of MacGregor as it is time to be me here. The reason behind having a “ghost” last name was because of the fear of my family and friends who knew nothing of my past or my struggles finding out about them. The time for that has passed. So… Hi. It is very nice to meet you all without any shroud between us.

Why did I change my mind on the last name? Due to recent events in my life. It appears that someone has read my blog and is using my past in their life. Not the parts that I happily share with you, my dear readers, but the darker parts. The use of past events in the hopes of changing how I feel about the love of my life, Kin Wright. That was a mistake.

Anyone who has lived through physical, psychological and sexual abuse will tell you that we don’t go quietly in to the night. Once we admit, own if you will, our hell and begin healing from it we are a force to be feared. We don’t cower. I won’t. I will not fear my past becoming public in a court room. This is not my design, but I will step up and own my past. It has made me the woman I am today. One who is strong and able to love again. I know my gut and trust it like I never have before. My instincts are so finely honed towards self-preservation I should be labeled a lethal weapon. I no longer fear being in the full light of day. While I still feel trepidation I freely step out and say this is me. This is what I have lived through. I survived that I can and will survive anything else thrown at me. No more fear. Just acceptance and the final step in my healing.

For anyone who would think to influence me you do not know me. Not in the slightest and that is your folly. I do thank you though, for this push, because now there is no going back.

So my dear reader… It is my pleasure and honor to finally meet you.

Sincerely with peace and love,

Mary Wright

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Let’s catch up


Marriage

Marriage (Photo credit: Lel4nd)

Oh my goodness! I am so happy to be back. How about we all get comfy and catch up? Grab some coffee, tea, a soda or wine and settle in.

It has been an amazing eleven months! In my last two posts, Have a Plan and Love the Divine,  but… before my hiatus I mention a man named Kin. Well as of May 31, 2013 he became my husband!

I know, right?

Yep, lil miss “I am not the marrying type.” and run in the other direction of commitment met her match. I truly did. How to explain this whirl wind…

We met in August and the first email I got from him caught my attention. When I looked at his picture my heart did a flip of recognition. From there it was off and running. My plan of having fun, discovering my sexual side and just dating went right out the window. Would I change any of it? Nope, I have never been happier or more content in my whole life. I have a man who loves me just as I am. He challenges me to think. I love his brain!

*I realize that has some zombie overtures, but what can I say?*

He is kind, funny, loving and just amazing. He is perfect for me. We have serious moments and challenges that we face together. I love that we are goofy together. We have fun. He cooks! Last for this post, but not least or all of the wonderful things about him, he is pagan.

With the love of my life I became a step-mom to an adorable little guy who is currently 22 months old. I am honored and blessed that I get to be part of this little ones life. I am not his mother and will never claim to be. I do get to offer guidance and support to this little energetic being. I love it and him. Let me take a moment to put on the proud step-mom hat and say OMG! He is so smart and adorable. He knows exactly what he is doing. Some of the moments I love is when we put on music and all dance around. I also love him with my mother. It is hilarious and so very touching. He is just a joy. Even when he has his melt downs he is cute. Yep, I am a step-mom.

There has been a lot of adjusting around here. Getting mom to accept that I loved him and he was going to be a part of my life. That she wasn’t going to have to move out, but had to behave. Sharing a bed with someone all the time (okay, really I love that), getting used to not having a lot of down time by myself and adjusting to it. I am learning to make that time available. I need too. Learning a new last name. Knowing that decisions I make are now affecting two people and that means getting buy in from him. See I look at our relationship as a partnership, because that is what marriage is. It has all the romantic association, yes, but it also has the day-to-day, down and dirty aspect also. That is the challenge of a marriage. How do you get along on the cleaning of the kitchen? How about laundry? Turning down the corners of pages in a book? Music? How each reacts when annoyed or upset? These are the true moments of marriage.

Please understand that I love our romantic moments and there are many, but what we work at is not taking each other for granted. Taking that attitude of “now we are married so we have to be a certain way”. Nope, we are us. We are just the way we were before he moved in and before the wedding. Maybe a little less stressed. That my friends is a very good thing.

So that is an overview of the big news. There is more to tell. The direction of blog will probably take off in new directions, but that is what living life is all about, isn’t it?

Okay, now tell me all of your news!!!! :)

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September 8, 2012 until July 31, 2013


I’mmmmm back! 

I took a small (elevn months) break from writing. It wasn’t planned, but I have to be honest that I don’t regret it. See, I have been living my life. Let me tell you there has been living! (Hint: new picture as header is from my wedding)

I promise to come back in the next day or so with a more details. Promise! For now let me just say I am so very happy to be back. 

 

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Love the Divine, but….


Lilith, oil on canvas by carved by John Collie...

Lilith, oil on canvas by carved by John Collier (1887). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love that my spirituality is deepening daily. My connection to the Divine is one of the most cherished aspects of my life. I know how truly blessed I am.

But…..

There are times when a deep and close tie to the divine is a wee bit of a pain in the tuckus.

*I will pause and allow for the gasps of shock*

Yep, I said it. Here is the thing with my spirituality and tie to the Goddess. It is not masked in ceremony and ritual. It is an honest, day-to-day, moment to moment and down to earth communion. I have no issue with dropping to my knees in humble thanksgiving or standing my ground and insisting on some boundaries. They are one in the same for me. I don’t look at the Goddess as unapproachable. Hell I go to Her with everything and when She pulls stuff I disagree with I will totally go in to bargaining mode. If you don’t try you will never know, right?

One of my beliefs is that I share every aspect of my life with the Divine. She and I go through life together and because of this I do have boundaries in place. If you are very close to the Divine you will occasionally have visits from it. It can come in many formats and I am good with most of them. The one that irks me? When She makes herself at home in this body and puts me in the corner without notice. Or when she puts me in the closet and only lets me out when she has taken what she wants. Sound insane? Actually this experience is common in all religious beliefs. The closer your ties to the Divine the more startling they become.

Yesterday was one of those days. I had the joy of spending the day with Kin. At one point the Mother came in, put me off to the side and took over.

Let me stop here and give thanks for the fact that my love is just as experienced and tied to his spirituality as I am so he didn’t go running downing the street while dialing 911.

Do I understand why what happened did? Yes, I do. Do I have any objections to it being done? Nope, I don’t. Do I have huge issues with the way it occurred? Oh darn Skippy I do! That being said this evening there will be dedicated time to the Mother and a reminder of boundaries.

Will it do any good? Probably not, but at least I will feel like I did something.

Peace and blessings my loves….

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