Where have I been?


I haven’t been around much, I know.

Stuck in traffic and living the NOW

The truth is that the “now” of life has been my focus. There has been a friend who had surgery, Reiki II classes, yard work, drinking (not me) and honest conversations. There has been laughter, tears, joy and disappointment.

Basically the last week has been full of life and living it. That being said there will be more posts coming! The writing bug has been knocking on the door to mind and is getting rather insistent!

Peace and blessings my friends!

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Nothing but now


I’ve been thinking about time a lot lately. Not willing as it is being thrust at me. I have been told “not to waste time”, heard people state they are sure they can hold on, and conversations on how it doesn’t seem like the “right” time for things.

What is time? Time is a measure that humans came up with. It isn’t any more than that. When you consider that we change it twice a year how important can it really be? Time is imaginary. It isn’t a solid tangible entity.

Humans, and everything else, actually live in one time; now. That is all we have. This moment; this breath. It is a continuous state. The moments that have passed are gone. We can’t rewind and live them again. The future doesn’t exist. It isn’t here so there is nothing to do with it. All we have is this moment. We have what we can feel right now. Right now I feel the keyboard under my hands. My fingers tapping out this post. My now is what I interpret as being real during this breath.

Much of our anxiety is tied to the future and reliving the past. When we focus completely on the now my past doesn’t exist, things outside of my immediate experience as fiction, and my future is a dream. I am here, healthy, whole and safe. I know that I love life and celebrate this moment.

What is your now? Don’t include thoughts tied to the past or future to define it. Look at your now as it is in this moment and breath.

Peace and blessings.

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Living in chaos


I was in Michigan a couple of weeks ago. I was to watch Ry for several days while Jenn was out-of-town. The plans changed and instead we had some great bonding time.

One thing that always happens when we are together is cleaning. We always clean the others house. While doing just that during the visit I had an “ah-ha” moment. I realized how easy it is for some of us to live in chaos and to spot it when others are. I am one of those people.

Growing up my life was chaotic. Our house may not have looked it, but it was. It was always lurking in the darkness or around the corner.

As an adult I find the chaos is more of a physical manifestation. My desk is a mess or my bedroom. I tend to keep the public places of the house clean, but my private can be a mess. This also goes with my body. Depending on where my state of chaos is on a scale of 1 to 10 determines what my weight is. Stating this I realize that I feel like chaos is controlling part of my life. When my life is chaotic my private spaces looks like a deranges family of trolls are living there. What is creating this chaotic feeling?

The answer is complicated. Part of it is that my chaos mirrors what is going on internally. When I am “working” something chaos visits. Is it fear? Honestly, that is part of it. Plus it is a stubbornness. I am usually working something I would rather not. That is the reason it has to be “worked”. It is like my internal teenager is reacting to having to do something that I don’t want to and isn’t fair!

*insert hair flip, foot stomp, and have that said in a valley girl accent*

Allowing parts of myself slip in to chaos gives me an excuse to ignore what needs to be worked on. It is the perfect excuse and a self-defeating cycle.

Ultimately the chaos is a way to stuff my feelings or stop working on that which needs to be worked. The path through this is to let the chaos occur. To accept it and work what I need to. I can’t allow myself to be side tracked, but have to keep moving forward with trips to the washing machine planned along the way.

Peace and blessings.

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Desire: The Return


I am sitting in Pepboys, the auto repair shop, writing this post. It is a surprisingly appropriate place to write about the return of desire.

Not that I find the smell of tires sexy, because I don’t. The reason is Ricky, the guy behind the counter. He is probably in his twenties, possibly early thirties. He is gorgeous. At least to me he is. This is the second time he has waited on me and I go weak in the knees each time. I also have to watch myself that I don’t go to the land of teenage flirting. I am forty-three and am totally okay with flirting like a grown woman. I just want to avoid the high-pitched giggle and hair flip thing. Especially since I have short hair.

How does this make me feel? A wee be freaked, but also happy to see them back. I am working on welcoming this aspect of my life back. This means that I acknowledge that I am a different person in a different time. The happiness grows stronger every day. This is produced by the growing faith in my instincts. Understanding that a different person and time means the old fear is no longer viable.

Life is a continuous classroom. In this day of instint results we have to remember that we are not computers. We are of nature and must live as such. Healing and growing is a process that has many steps and takes time. I don’t have to fear the natural or run right out and act on it. I can move at a pace that feels right.

Peace and blessings.

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Going to the therapist is fun!


I didn’t go quite that far, but to get Ry to his counselor appointment I did share that I go to one too.

My trip to Michigan was interesting last time. A bunch of ah-ha moments. Surprisingly, not as many crazy aunt and nephew moments as I thought there would be. The week was about bonding and support. I loved the experience. Ry is truly a sweet kid and loved hanging with the peanut. Jenn and I also spent quality girl time together that included lots of hearts to heart.

When sharing with Ry that I have a therapist I realized that the work I have done over the last three some years has gotten me to the point where I can share it without a grimace. I can honestly share many of my feelings and not have everything about me. I the ability to acknowledge when I am hurt and then put it aside. Not letting my ego take over and run the show is huge!

There was also a lot of discovery and acceptance going on.

1) I am ready to trust my judgement.

2) Remembering and working hard to accept that I am not here to “fix” anything or everything outside of myself.

3) I have more to work on, because I am human.

Hanging with the friend that you have known for almost 41 years tends to bring out the honesty. That is something I will always be thankful.

Peace and blessings.

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Worry


My mother made an interesting comment the other day. She stated that she “had to worry” about certain things. How strange is that? Feeling that you “have” to worry about things that may not happen. Ever.

Mom feels that she has to worry. That if she doesn’t she is preparing for the possible future. How horrible is that? How many people look at the unknown and worry about all the what if’s? I am realizing that my mother lives in that state pretty much continuously. It is to the point that she is in an almost permanent state of anxiety.

What is worry? To me it is a state of looking at the knowable and trying to know it. To prepare for it. There are several issues with that, but I am going to look at two here.

Worrying about the unknowable translates to fearing change. We know that there is change, but because we can’t control it we fear it. This fear is tied to loss of control. Fearing or worrying about change and loss of control means that we feel we should be able to stop change and always be in control.

The second issue is that this can easily take over our whole life. While in this state of mind we miss the now and what truly is. We live our whole life in a state of anxiety tied to what may be and completely miss what is. What a waste of energy!

Our challenge is to choose our worries. There are going to be moments of fear and anxiety. Health issues, safety of loved ones and such, but we don’t have to make that our only focus. Worry and then let it go.

Peace and blessings.

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Every moment offers a lesson


On my vacation I learned that every moment offers a lesson. How awesome is that? Did you just groan and say “Mary! No learning on vacation!”? I get it, but it was learning in a good way.

What does “in a good way” mean? Well it means there wasn’t a list from a teacher with stuff I had to get done. That isn’t a bad thing, but is a drag if you are on vacation in Las Vegas and you have to do homework. Just saying. This learning encompassed video games, my nephew, myself, my future and life itself.

I had the great opportunity to learn how to play a new Mario game for the Wii. My teacher was my nephew Ry. What I discovered is that I have my strengths in video games and that Ry is an awesome teacher! He was encouraging and positive. We were doing high-fives and I would get “There you go Aunt Mary! That was great! I knew you could do it!” Seriously, how awesome is that? When I didn’t do that well he was very kind, told me that I did well and to remember that I was still learning. I have to say that leaving that little boy was so very hard to do. I just adore that kid!

Jenn and I had great conversations when I was up there. I reminded that conversing with someone who has known you for forty years brings different dynamics to a conversation. While I truly hope that they were eye-opening for Jenn I can say that I learned so much about myself during them. It is amazing. I discovered that it is time to put myself doubt aside. It is what is keeping me back in the romantic world. I really thought I had moved past it, but I realized that it was the one thing in my way. If I don’t try I will never know if I can truly have a healthy relationship. So off to try we go.

I discovered that I love the music of Brian Henke. He is an artist on the guitar. Truly. I recommend his music to anyone. My cats adore him too! Great music to center too.

At the Gaiafest I was drawnto a necklace. It was lovely, but I also knew it wasn’t really what I was looking for. I went with my instincts and bought it. I promptly lost it. You know what? I am totally cool with that as I know that it is with the person it

Student teacher in China teaching children Eng...

Student teacher in China teaching children English. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

to be with. Trusting my instincts and letting go.

The next thing that happened at Gaiafest was really interesting. I did a tarot reading. Now in all the years that I have gotten readings only two have ever touched on my romantic life. One was in my early twenties, at the beginning of the abusive relationship. Before anything went wrong. The little woman took one look at me, stated I was dating a much older man and that it was no good. That I had to end it. She was right on. The second reading was the one on Saturday. I was so amazing and not only to me, but to the woman who gave me the reading. I will discuss it more in another post, but I learned that I am on the right path and that is what matters.

After ten days of vacation, relaxing and learning I am in a great place. I will continue to grow as every day offers us that opportunity. I can’t wait!

Peace and blessings.

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