In the post “A slide is a slide” I admitted to the fact that I am experiencing an increase in my depression. It is a bad one to be honest. My sister rather pointedly explained to me what she is seeing me do, which is nothing. I haven’t been working my plan in any way. One of my survival tools is journaling. So here we go.
I hate this. I hate when I feel like I just want to give up. In this state I struggle with everything. From comments made to me to the slightest mistake I make. What I know, my rational mind tells me this, is that nothing is a bad as it seems. What I feel is totally different. I want to cry for no reason that I can point to. I can’t say that it is because of the recent losses I have suffered. I can’t point to one thing. Is it all of it compounded? It could be. It could also be that I have hit a plateau on my medication. That would mean an up in dosage. I am so not keen on that. Ask my sister Ali about my reaction to that and she will tell you that is an understatement.
How do I explain what is going through my head? How about instead I describe what my head feels like. I feel like the fog is coming in. I can almost see the clouds rolling in that blanket everything. When this happens the feeling is of molasses. My ability to think slows down, focus goes out the window, and I end up staring a lot. The funny thing is that I can’t turn off my thoughts. The problem with depression is that when I slip and slide is that my self-esteem crashes. It is almost like a two kids racing on sleds. Which will hit bottom first, my mood or self-esteem? My guess is that it is going to be one heck of a close finish.
In my head I have to constantly fight the thought that I should be able to control all of this. I mean, come on, it is my freaking head. The fact that I can’t means that I am failure. How do other people read books from the thousand of self-help ones out there and get it? If I hear one more person tell me to smile I will scream. Or my favorite was when I opened up to someone about my depression and it was made light of by the response “Well if you feel bad come over and I will tell you that you (looks me up and down) your breath smells nice”. That was really helpful. Obviously if others do not take depression seriously then I am making too much out of it. I must be a drama queen. That is it!
And here comes another spiral. Do you see how this works?
My ability to pull the brakes right now is nonexistent. The brakes are out as of this morning. Sitting here I just want to put my head on my desk and sleep. Sleep, the drug of choice for depressive’s when we have nothing else to fall back on.
I want to understand what is causing this and yet I don’t. Part of me wants to give in. It is so much easier than the constant fight to take that next step forward. Will I? No, I can’t. I have things to do, promises made that I have to keep and that adds to the depression. That feeling of responsibility is at time over whelming.
God, I am just tired. I am tired of feeling this way. I know that it is not as bad as it was a year ago, but we are close at this moment. To be honest that scares me silly.