I have discovered that I am petrified of sitting in silence. Even as I write this my stomach is doing a flip and tears are filling my eyes. When did this happen?
I used to love sitting in absolute silence. I used to sit, look out the window and just be there. Usually with Hugo, my big baby of a cat snuggled with me. Just gaining comfort from the knowledge of the moment. It appears I lost that somewhere along the way.
There is no moment that I can point to as to when this occurred. All that I know is right now I am stuck in this place where being alone with my head scares me silly, but I am also in full over load with contact. Acknowledging that I need my silence space has been pressing in on me. To combat it I have been submerging myself more and more in social media, games and talking to my sisters. The result is that I am out of touch with myself.
Ask me what I am thinking or feeling right now and why my answer is “good”. Yet, I am not in a good space. The ability to bury myself in communication and ignore me is so tantalizing. It is so easy in this day and age. Do we all do it? Is this electronic communication producing a disconnect between us and our inner workings? In my case, at this point, yes.
Last year when I first started working the issue’s with my rapes and abusive relationships talking was a life saver. To be able to get my thoughts out to people who understood was a blessing. The issue now is that I am not working on big obvious issues. What am I dealing with now? I think being overwhelmed by loss. Needing to express it and not being able to is part of what is going on. The thing is I can’t say for sure.
Is anyone else feeling this way? Have you dealt with this? What did you do?
I did a little over two years ago when I couldn’t deal with my brother’s marriage breakdown. In an attempt to avoid falling into isolation again I ran from those I felt closest to and filled my time online with just about anything. Everytime I’d get close to any group, I’d run for the next distraction and the next group. I fell in love and was stopped in my tracks from more running. I like to think it was the Universe stepping in, but it didn’t stop me from withdrawing from people. I didn’t lose that compulsion to withdraw even then. That spiral only ended in December when I went back to the original group of people I ran from and told them I want to come back and I finally faced what had set me off in the first place… my fear of turning to those I’d become close to when I felt my life was losing meaning and I felt I was losing control.
I hope you find some peace from what is clamouring in your mind to find a way out, Carleen *hugs*
I am working on it. I actually had therapy this evening and it was great. I still have that rolling sensation but not as strong. I think tonight I will take your advice and be in the moment because it is always worth being there. Thank you Mari. *hugs* back.
I love being alone. I use to love being alone in silence. I no longer want hear my own thoughts. They make me restless. So now like you, I need to get them out. I write privately. My fear being those writings will be discovered. I’m not ready to share yet until my thoughts are less random and more coherent. It is helping me figure things out. Something about the written word that really pulls me together. I hope to enjoy being alone with my thoughts again one day.
xxx
Thank you ET. I hope that we both get to that point again. xxx