I have discovered that I am petrified of sitting in silence. Even as I write this my stomach is doing a flip and tears are filling my eyes. When did this happen?
I used to love sitting in absolute silence. I used to sit, look out the window and just be there. Usually with Hugo, my big baby of a cat snuggled with me. Just gaining comfort from the knowledge of the moment. It appears I lost that somewhere along the way.
There is no moment that I can point to as to when this occurred. All that I know is right now I am stuck in this place where being alone with my head scares me silly, but I am also in full over load with contact. Acknowledging that I need my silence space has been pressing in on me. To combat it I have been submerging myself more and more in social media, games and talking to my sisters. The result is that I am out of touch with myself.
Ask me what I am thinking or feeling right now and why my answer is “good”. Yet, I am not in a good space. The ability to bury myself in communication and ignore me is so tantalizing. It is so easy in this day and age. Do we all do it? Is this electronic communication producing a disconnect between us and our inner workings? In my case, at this point, yes.
Last year when I first started working the issue’s with my rapes and abusive relationships talking was a life saver. To be able to get my thoughts out to people who understood was a blessing. The issue now is that I am not working on big obvious issues. What am I dealing with now? I think being overwhelmed by loss. Needing to express it and not being able to is part of what is going on. The thing is I can’t say for sure.
Is anyone else feeling this way? Have you dealt with this? What did you do?