Obviously my issue with being in the moment is causing me some problems. I am one of those people who need quiet and I know it. The running from it has been draining me to the point I feel out of control. Tuesday evening I had therapy and we discussed it. Great discussion as my therapist brought up that everyone goes through this. So what to do?
I had an idea last night that I decided to try. It consisted of the love seat in my home office, quiet and my cat Hugo. I grabbed Hugo, plopped him in my lap and sat. I sat petting him in silence. I let my mind drift and float. When I got uncomfortable I let it go. I was just there, with Hugo and nothing else.
Can I tell you how blissful that was? It was me and one of my babies with nothing pressing me to do something or demanding my brain to work. Okay, occasionally Hugo did head-butt me when I stopped petting him, but that was okay. The comfort I got from those 28 minutes is incredible. That is when it hit me. I am in dire need of comfort. I just don’t know how to get it. I have rarely gotten it from my family. My younger brother was always where I went for comfort. I provide comfort for the rest of my family. I don’t even know how to ask for it. The scarier aspect of this “Ah ha!” moment is that I fear comfort from humans. Growing up comfort came with a hook and usually a painful one at that.
So where does this leave me? I don’t really know. I do know what I need, comfort, and I do know where I can get it from in a safe form for right now. I also know that this is an issue I need to tackle. How? Well that will be the discussion at next week’s therapy session won’t it?