Comfort is something we all need. We need that human touch, or so I have been told by my therapist. ((Sigh and an eye roll)) The thing is he is right. ((Bigger sigh, eye roll and bounce head off desk))We do need that comforting touch. So my question is what do you do when the thought of gaining that comfort from people makes you want to run?
That is where I am. I want to break down and cry. I want to be told it is going to be okay. All of it or any of it, but I can’t ask for it. I can give out hugs like crazy and yet I cannot ask for them. I cannot allow myself that comfort. Growing up there were hugs, but from anyone other than my little brother there was a motive behind it. To show my mom how much she was hurting us with her drinking or for her to show others how fantastic she was. At my brothers funeral the first time I saw his flagged draped coffin I lost it. I collapsed screaming “no” over and over while crying hysterically. My family’s reaction? They circled around me but did not touch me in any way. Ah, the comfort. Sean would have picked me up or sat next to me. That was my comfort person. The comfort I received during that horrible time was from Jenn, my oldest friend, my cousin Boop and Sean’s girlfriend YoungDoo. When I came back to work if anyone went to hug me I wouldn’t let them as it would cause me to break down.
Now with everything that has come to the fore in therapy I find I am even more uncomfortable asking for comfort. With the recent deaths I can’t ask it. The unfortunate reality of it is that from my family, the abusive relationship and being told that I am strong I feel that comfort is not something I can trust or need/deserve. So where does this leave me? For now I will be taking comfort from my cats. I know that with them they just love me exactly as I am right and that if I cry there is no issue. I can just “be” with them and it is okay.