I have stated in past posts that I have self-harmed. I have cut and burnt myself for years. At the end of this month I will be one year self-harm free. I wish I could say it has been easy, but I can’t. The desire is still there.
For me there is a link between pain and relief/pleasure. Growing up pain was a way to release the inner pain I felt from emotions that were not released. As I got older it served the same purpose and became a way to stay in control. With my abusive relationship it morphed to something else. There is a desire for pain now.
What is this desire tied to? It could be tied to the shame I feel. It could be that I am at a point in my recovery that I am tapping the emotions that I haven’t dealt with in years. Maybe the brainwashing that goes with being in an abusive relationship is behind it. All of these are probably part of the equation. Whatever the reason the appeal scares me.
Coming up on my one year anniversary the desire for pain is back with bells on. As stated in my post “The dark side of my mind” my thoughts are scary. The desire I feel is mind-boggling. What keeps me from acting on that desire is that I also know that I do not want to go back there. There is a belief now that I do not deserve only pain, but joy. This belief is small, but has grown. My hope is that it is strong enough to hold against this self-destructive desire.