This has been a long time coming. It’s time as it keeps rattling around my brain when I need it to focus on other stuff. I’m hoping that by getting it out I find some peace.

When Sean died in 2005 I lost my family.

My older brother and I have always had a relationship in which I am the little sister and that is about it. With the death of Sean I lost him too. For a while I tried, but I realized that he wanted someone who understood what he was feeling, to release all of his pain on and then hang up. From him I started getting what I describe as “drive by phone calls”. He calls, unloads and then gets off the phone. He has no interest in my life and he makes it very apparent. My older brother also disagrees with my decision to be close to my parents. That is another wedge between us.

In the moment of Sean’s death I became the care giver to my parents. My brother basically removed himself and his family so I was left. My parents have taken the loss of their youngest child very hard. I mean, who wouldn’t? Sean was their one son who spoke to them. No matter how much he disagreed with my father Sean always made an effort. With mom Sean was always forgiving. He loved them. My parents aged the day he died and some how I became the adult.

When Sean died I lost my future. Seems like an odd statement but that is what happened. When he was here he helped me out when I needed it. He supported me even if it was by email and phone calls. I knew that if I became my parents main support Sean would be there to back me up. Visit them or let them visit him. He would help me help them financially. Now that is all gone. Any time I try to move on with my future I have these two people wrapped around my legs holding on for dear life screeching “What will happen to us?” It is tiring trying to move forward with that extra weight.

I miss Sean. With all my heart, but when I look at how the loss of him has affect the rest of my family I want to weep. In so many ways Sean is what kept the family functioning as a family. Our love and concern for him. He was the baby of the family and it showed. There is no way to fix what has happened to us with his loss. Instead the best that can be done is change in roles. How I hate to say this, but I am angry about that.

I am angry at Sean for getting killed. How sick is that? I am angry at the rest of the family for not being able to look outside of themselves. I am angry at myself that I can’t figure out how to get them to hear me. To be completely honest I am tired of being angry, sad, and fighting to take that next step. I am tired of trying to fulfill all the needs that are placed in front of me.

Mostly I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way. I mean, how can I be angry at Sean or my family with all they have been through? Who am I to complain? I was blessed to have him for the 32 years that I did.