I have had issues with my weight since my teenage years. Being heavy allows me to hide from relationships. I won’t look for a romantic relationship as I disgust myself.
My weight fluctuates depending on myself image. If I am in a secure place I can and do lose weight. If I am in a place of self-hatred those pounds are packed on. Since my abusive relationship I totally use my weight as insulation from the dating world. It is what I hide behind. I can always throw “When I lose x amount of weight I will get back out there.” Part of the reason for the weight gain was it protected me. Who would want to date someone who looked like me? My answer was no one. Here is the double standard. I don’t care what others weigh as I am attracted to them not their shell.
My double standard can portray me as a really small-minded person. What it can say to the outside is that I don’t think other people are able to view me as anything other than my weight. The funny thing is I know that isn’t true. My use of my weight is an excuse to stay out of the relationship world. It is to keep me safe though not happy.