Food is a complicated issue for me. One way that I use it is as punishment. When I feel that I am a failure I will eat. You would think it is for comfort, but it truly isn’t.

When I use food as punishment it is because I don’t feel I deserve to be healthy. That the only way I should be is overweight. Let me use the terminology that I use in my head: fat, ugly and lazy. In this state I fuel my dislike of myself.

Here is the other side of the issue. Holding back food is a form of punishment and a trial to see if I have any self-control. It is a vicious cycle.

My hope is that at some point I can just let food be food. No other meaning to it than that.