Every once in a while your subconscious stands up and lobs a tomato at your head. If you have fallen out of the habit of expecting them they will take you by surprise. That is what happened today.
My sister Ali has stepped in to a new phase of her life. To say that I’m thrilled for her would be a bit of an understatement. I want to come up with a cheer for her. When I experienced flash backs reading her email I was surprised, startled, dismayed and disappointed in myself. The worst parts are that the urge to self-harm came back and I’m missing some significant chunks of time.
I will admit that I am still rocked. That being said after the initial shock I am proud of how I have responded. I cooked up a storm. Meat loaf, pasta sauce, and salad all made. To say that I threw myself in to it is the truth. We currently have dinner for the week. No, I did not make the portions for two people. I made the portions for a family of 8, possibly 10. Hell, that is why freezers were invented. I have reasoned my way around the urge to cut by reminding myself that I’m allowed to have these feelings. Remembering the mantra that because I abused in the past doesn’t mean I have to hurt myself now. I have opened a line of communication with Ali about the situation. I have also reached out for support from my different groups.
While I wasn’t expecting the reaction I had I’m happy that I didn’t have a complete melt down. I’m not completely out of the woods, but I have more tools in the old tool box that I can drag out. Next time my hope is that I won’t be so surprised.