I spent part of my day at the dealership. I love that place! No really I do. They have great coffee, computer room, free wi-fi and a kicking TV. Not to mention they are just all so nice. It is one of my favorite places to sit and think.
Today I was thinking about the comment made by Ali on “The Aftermath of the Abuse Part 1″ about not being believed. That happens to so many of us. We face denial from others. The question is why? So here are my thoughts on it.
When some one is abused or raped there are more people involved than just the abuser/rapist and victim. There are all of those people who care or are in some way involved in those people’s lives. Now this is where my experience with therapy comes in. All of these people have ego’s. So a lot of the denial that we face comes from the ego’s of others. Putting it another way the denial comes from people thinking “how does this affect me”. If we are talking about the people who know the abuser/rapist the denial comes from a place of “how does this reflect on me”. People will think they were a bad parent or a naive girlfriend/wife or husband/boyfriend. That their siblings must also be evil. I’m not saying that they don’t believe the claim of abuse isn’t true, but often that belief is tied to how they see this behaviour affecting their lives.
On the side of the victim it is in many ways the same. The parents may feel that they don’t deserve to have their child put through this. Feel inadequate to support their loved one. The partners may feel helpless in supporting or protecting their loved one. Again, they are faced with the idea that they may fail or have already failed the victim. In the case of parents who are, well, crappy you may have them truly feeling like it is easier to ignore the situation than work on it.
Understand that coming from a place of “how does this affect me” is completely normal in the beginning. It is a survival mechanism. We all do it. What we have to move to is “what do we do now” stage. No one can make it go away. There isn’t a magical do over button. What we can do is step back, acknowledge that we are not the only ones involved and then move forward to healing. This understanding is helpful for the victims and all of those involved. Actually it works in about every situation.
when I was 12 my grandfather attacked me, I didn’t tell my mother till I was 17 and when I did it became all about her “how could he do this to me?” “If I had a gun I’d shoot him” “I don’t know how he could violate my trust like this”. I wanted to say to her “this is not about you, it’s about ME” but that would just have been a waste of breath. I think too often, our assault, becomes someone else’s story as their way of deflecting the ugly truth.
I totally agree Joss. Depending on were people are in their lives and what their past holds great sway over their reaction. Peace, blessings and love my friend.
I <3 your blog. I <3 the way you think. I agree with you totally. Alot of it is about how it reflects on them. I remember when I told "our" friends, after Chaun raped me when I was 15, most of them did not believe me because they had known him longer and really, how could I "The New Girl" expect them to believe that THEIR friend did this. There are some that did believe me. One that did not believe me told me quite recently "It has been nearly 20 years! You need to just get the f*ck over it. My wife was raped before and she doesn't think about it ever. It never affects her. And besides, he says he never raped you. I told him what you said about him and he laughed. He said you are full of s*it and a liar and you need to just let it go. He broke up with you, let it go." An actual conversation! Can you believe that? I want to know what he is taking that makes him think that his wife's rape NEVER affects any part of her life. She may just not talk about it…or maybe she has repressed it and never deals with that part. I did that for a lot of years til I couldn't anymore.
There are two things that anger me beyond measure when it comes to survivors and others who know nothing about what it means to be a survivor. People who victim blame or don't believe when someone is brave enough to tell them what happened to them…and people who say "Just get over it" in any variation of the words.
Sorry for rambling. Hot button issue with me. Love and light.
Lucky
Lucky, I totally understand. What I find now is that since I acknowledge what happened to me that is all that matters. I let others think what they want. Their thoughts can’t hurt me. This was learned through therapy, my therapist sitting there thinking bad thoughts about me and me not bursting in to flames. The more I learn, listen to others and watch was is going on around me the more I am realizing that peoples reactions have less to do with me and what I say but with what is in their heads. Sorry for the ramble back! LOL!
Peace and blessings my friend.
I was sexually abused around the age of 8 by a group of young men, including my brother, who should have known better. What did I know at the age of 8 about sex? Nothing. Yet, when my parents found out, I was the one left feeling ashamed, guilty, bad and all the feelings that come with abuse. My mother wrote me off as a little slut. When I was raped in my late 20s my husband said it was the kind of friends I kept so he wasn’t surprised. Again, my feelings of what a terrible person I was were reinforced. A few years ago I reached out for the first time. To be told I was abused as a child was a complete devastating shock. All that I had believed of myself for over 30 years led to confusion. We are programmed, as children, that our elders know best. Through the support that came my way I learned a whole lot more about the abusive childhood I had; being my parents were mentally, emotionally and at time physically abusive. The first few attendances at a group meeting for women who had been sexually abused left me feeling that I didn’t belong there. The abuse my fellow members endured over years seemed so much worse. Do I believe that now? No. One incident of abuse is one too many. Once leaves the shame and causes as much damage as multiple times. Was it my fault? No. Could my parents have handled it better? Yes. I was a child. I was their child. They didn’t do their job. My parents are no longer around to be able to confront them. I have thrown my sibling out of my life. I have turned away from all the blood family. I do not need them. I never had them as ‘family’ because they never behaved as a family should do. The good that has come from this is I am a better parent. My experiences, although I’d rather not had them, were not wasted. I am now free. Life is wonderful, although has it’s challenges. Giving back the blame of bad behaviour to those who gave it has released me to be able to breathe for the first time in my life and look forward to all tomorrows. Reach out to others. Trust your gut on who you reach out to. There are safe people to reach out to. There are those who will believe you and be able to relate to your truth. With a lot of work, which can be painful, you can be free too. As the saying goes ‘no pain, no gain.’ In this case that is so very true. I wish you well.
Ali thank you for sharing your story. The healing that you have worked so hard for is amazing. I admire you more than you will ever know. Peace, blessings and love.