In writing about my abuse I discovered something I thought I would never feel or say. I am happy that my brother Sean is not here.

Sean and I were really close and he would know what was going on. I would end up sharing it with him. It would be good for both of us. We shared anything and almost everything. I never would have given him the details. Well probably not, but I would have told him.

Sean’s reaction? He would want to do serious harm to the ex or kill him. I know my little brother. My family is kind of like the mafia. Mess with one of us and you mess with all of us. It isn’t pretty. Nice at times, but it is a bit disturbing. Not that we do people physical harm, but we all band together. Just the way we are. So this is why only select family members have knowledge of my blog. Like two of them and I am pretty sure one never reads it.

Right now I know that to cause the ex harm is pointless and keeps the destruction alive. I am healing and I want to continue to do so. I want to travel my road without the knowledge that anything I have done has caused harm. Sean would have felt the need to exact payment from the ex. I get that, but it would not have been helpful. It would only add to the guilt I feel as a survivor. People, who have not experienced abuse, don’t understand the guilt victim’s experience. The shame that is experienced is overwhelming at times. While I am moving past those two emotions any act of revenge would be a set back for me.

While I miss my brother so very much I can honestly say that I am glad he isn’t here for this. He can haunt the ex if he would like, but not do any harm.