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Over lunch recently I read a blog that discusses a study of women in domestic assault cases who drop the charges. The article was interesting but I was thrown for a loop by a statement. The comment was about the woman in a relationship who was attempting to leave “She was trying… but not hard. It seems she still wasn’t sure.” It felt like I had been smacked in the face. Part of the issue is that this blog is on a site that I read often. I’m not saying that I always agree with them but I like the point of views. Since it is a web site that is psychology/psychiatry based I guess I expect more. I am not giving the name of either the blog or web site at this point. I want to post a comment first. This is the issue, speaking as an abuse survivor, comments by people who do not understand what it is like to live in that situation. The shame that is felt by the abused and it doesn’t matter what social economic group you are a part of. That shame is felt by all of us who get stuck there. When I read that comment I came very close to bursting in to tears at my desk. I’m not sure why to be honest. I have done a ton of work on my past relationship and I know that it is not now. I survived it. That is what matters. Until we learn that abusive relationships, of any kind, are psychologically damaging to a point where you think no one will understand people still experience them longer than they have to. Until people understand the shame that victims experience there will still be people who stay. Personally I feel sorrow for the author. May she never experience it. |
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“she was trying – but not hard”. omg, that just makes me want to scream. How easy, to be the observer, the scientist, sitting back and contemplating what a person should do or isn’t doing. aargh. People need to reach into their heart and find compassion and kindness and gentleness and offer hope and support, rather than that kind, or any kind, of judgement. okay, okay, I get off my soapbox right now.
peace to you this day.
Rock that soap box! Peace and blessings!
I agree with you. People that have never been in that situation really don’t have a clue as to how hard it is to get out. I, for one… had the same point of view as everyone else in the general population, until I expereienced it first hand. Thankfully, I didn’t endure physical abuse, but emotional/mental abuse is just as tough to get out of. I did finally come to my senses and leave, once the violence got to a point where I COULDN’T make excuses to stay any longer.
It’s a tough battle to fight. It’s a tough situation all around. And controlling abusers have a way of making everything better the next day.. and begging for forgiveness… and you want to believe them. It is definintely psychologically damaging… you don’t come out of that kind of relationship the same person that you were going in. That’s for sure.
Tiff I totally agree! It has long reaching consequences that we have to learn to over come. Peace and blessings.