Today is a raw day. Group was last night and I had a break through. Woo HOO! I ended up opening up about my abuse. Is it a good thing? Maybe, I don’t know. Does the group feel closer to me? I have no idea. This morning is a metal/hard rock day as I need some fortification. That being the case the second song on my play list was Big Empty by the Stone Temple Pilots. It is the perfect song because of this phrase “conversation kills”. Does it really? No, but Lady of light it can feel that way. Or it can make death look really freaking good.
**No, I am not that bad off. Suicide isn’t an option, but this feeling/place I am in SUCKS rocks. Just saying.**
So I shared some on my abuse. I talk about my abuse here in the blog and to one or two people in my life. Other than that I don’t talk about it in detail. The most detail is here in this blog. Last night I didn’t get in to a lot of detail either. Part of that was the crying on my part and the other was the questions.
Let me put this out here right now you never say to someone who has been abused “Do you think you caused….”. Freaking really? Okay I will be the first one to state I need to work on this whole issue, but REALLY? Yes, I do think I caused the abuse in someways. I struggle with that all the time. Am I better than I was? Yes, but is it still an issue? Hell YES!
My response to that after making limited eye contact when I was talking? To not make any at all. NONE. Luckily Pavel stopped the questions. I can honestly say that if he hadn’t I would have thrown up in the room.
One of the reasons it was important for me to share this in group was to open up. To feel more connected. I might to one possibly two people. Other than that I want to run and never look back. Never. Will I? That is up in the air. Probably not.
You know what the scariest part of all of it is? They only heard that I was “abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally” and that “I stayed”. There was some discussion on my family not knowing. How do I go back to a group of people to open more on this when the accusations have already been thrown on the table? What will be the reaction to the term “gang rape”?
Healing hurts. Sometimes I think it may hurt more than the injury.
Peace and blessings.