Today is a raw day. Group was last night and I had a break through. Woo HOO! I ended up opening up about my abuse. Is it a good thing? Maybe, I don’t know. Does the group feel closer to me? I have no idea. This morning is a metal/hard rock day as I need some fortification. That being the case the second song on my play list was Big Empty by the Stone Temple Pilots. It is the perfect song because of this phrase “conversation kills”. Does it really? No, but Lady of light it can feel that way. Or it can make death look really freaking good.
**No, I am not that bad off. Suicide isn’t an option, but this feeling/place I am in SUCKS rocks. Just saying.**
So I shared some on my abuse. I talk about my abuse here in the blog and to one or two people in my life. Other than that I don’t talk about it in detail. The most detail is here in this blog. Last night I didn’t get in to a lot of detail either. Part of that was the crying on my part and the other was the questions.
Let me put this out here right now you never say to someone who has been abused “Do you think you caused….”. Freaking really? Okay I will be the first one to state I need to work on this whole issue, but REALLY? Yes, I do think I caused the abuse in someways. I struggle with that all the time. Am I better than I was? Yes, but is it still an issue? Hell YES!
My response to that after making limited eye contact when I was talking? To not make any at all. NONE. Luckily Pavel stopped the questions. I can honestly say that if he hadn’t I would have thrown up in the room.
One of the reasons it was important for me to share this in group was to open up. To feel more connected. I might to one possibly two people. Other than that I want to run and never look back. Never. Will I? That is up in the air. Probably not.
You know what the scariest part of all of it is? They only heard that I was “abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and mentally” and that “I stayed”. There was some discussion on my family not knowing. How do I go back to a group of people to open more on this when the accusations have already been thrown on the table? What will be the reaction to the term “gang rape”?
Healing hurts. Sometimes I think it may hurt more than the injury.
Peace and blessings.
People are sometimes f*%king weird! okay, sorry, had to get that off my chest. First time you’ve heard me use that word, eh? hope that made you smile. Often people ask stupid ass questions like that to protect themselves from their own pain. Cause, you know, if you brought this on yourself, then a) they don’t need to worry it might happen to them because THEY would never bring something like that on themselves and b) if you are partly to blame, then I don’t have to feel too bad for you. AARGH! See it as a defense mechanism and nothing else. This is not about you, it’s about them!! Also, Mary, focus on what mattered here for you. What was important for you was to be able to speak of this “out loud” and you did that. It wasn’t really to get the support of the group, although that might have been nice. The important thing is that you SPOKE and that’s where the healing lies – not in the response of others. of course, beautiful healing also happens when you speak and the other responds with grace and love. And yes, my love, healing does hurt – that’s why it takes so much courage and you have that!! Breathe, dear one, breathe and do something special just for you today. I am holding you in my heart.
Thank you Joss. I know that everything that you have said is right on. I just hate feeling this way. I realize it gets better. Part of me knows that, but right now it is hard.
Brightest of blessings and peace my friend.
I hear you, dear one. Speaking about this has stirred up a lot of pain within you. Add to that the pain of saying goodbye to Alison the other day and your inner pain level is pretty high right now. It’s why i suggested you do something special for yourself today and get as much rest as you can. Cut yourself some slack. Breathe into your discomfort, your pain, and then breathe it out into the universe. Next breath, breathe in peace and again, breathe out your pain.
love you,
Joss
Again I want to say a hell yes to what Joss said – its incredible that you found that much courage to speak, the way other people react reflects on who they are and the sad reality is most people would probably feel totally unable to cope and askign stupid questions is a kind of emergency eject button…
That is such a great way to look at it. It is an emergency eject button. Thank you. It is funny as I don’t see it as courageous because I couldn’t look at anyone when I was talking about it. I may have a few things to still work on there. LOL! Much love, peace and blessings.