Yesterday was an emotional one obviously. Last night while talking to Ali it occurred to me that I am starting a new stage of my life. One of serious healing. This is healing of myself and helping others to do so. These two aspects are seen in the practice of Reiki and therapy. Last night I determined that mixing them is going to mean one heck of a ride.
Reiki is the practice of energy healing. It works on energy, emotional, physical and spiritual blockages.
**Do you see the trap there? I didn’t until last night.**
While supplying Reiki for another, the supplier (in this case me) also gets an attunement. I kind of forgot that or maybe ignored it. From Saturday to Monday I had 10 Reiki clients. TEN! I pretty much submerged myself in Reiki. Then Monday night I went to group and discussed my abuse. Now saying I have emotional blockages tied to my abuse is like me saying that lions are cats. Yes, they are cats, but they are very BIG cats that could eat you.
I figure I have three choices. I can give up Reiki, I can give up group/therapy, or I can accept this healing. The first two are not real options at this point. I love Reiki and while I don’t “love” group/therapy I do need it. That leaves me with facing the third option. Am I thrilled with it? Heck no! It makes me whimper, but do I have a choice? Um, no.
Working with the third option is scary. Reiki has a way of bringing everything to forefront. This means emotions that I don’t like will take me by the neck and shake me like a rag doll. These would be the fun ones like fear, sadness, anxiety, and any of the really uncomfortable ones. It also means that I am going to have to let go of my control. See I am very controlling when it comes to my emotions. I don’t go to the land of difficult ones if I can help it. If I must visit that land I control the visit very tightly. Rarely in front of others and for about five minutes at a time. An example of this is crying. The last time I cried about my abuse was over a year ago on a video call with Ali and it lasted for maybe five minutes. Then I apologized to her.
The question is why do I feel the need for such control. Honestly it is because I still feel shame when it comes to my abuse. My rational mind understands that there is nothing I could have done to deserve the abuse. No one deserves that and there is nothing that can qualify it. My emotional self? That part of me flips my rational self the bird and goes down the rabbit hole of self loathing. When we add the group session to the rabbit hole I go in to such complete melt down it is frightening. Yesterday I considered quitting group a more viable option then returning to group and facing those people again. They don’t even know what happened to me.
My plan, as far as I have one, is to just take it one moment at a time. To fasten my seat belt, wear my helmet and keep my hands in the ride at all times for my safety. Will there be times of complete melt down? Oh yes that is pretty a given, but my hope is that I have the knowledge and my safety gear I will survive it.
Peace and blessings my friends.