We all have hard things to deal with in our lives. No matter how much we don’t want to, we do have to tackle them. Right now I am staring at the feelings tied to my abuse. Specifically tied to the rapes and gang rapes.
How did this come up? Oh by me throwing it on the table at group. I was trying to make a point to another member. After I said I was floored and then started praying. The praying went something along the lines of “Oh Please Lady! Let Pavel ignore it! PLLLEEEEAAASSEEEE!” unfortunately, my prayers went unanswered. The last 15 minutes were spent in talking about it. I guess it was a good thing.
**Okay, in retrospect it was, but right then I wasn’t feeling it**
I gave a brief high level explanation of what happened and then because people had questions I gave more details. Not a lot as that wound have had me totally freaking out. I will say that I didn’t just stare at the floor. I did make eye contact and when I couldn’t I looked between people. It wasn’t the carpet so it is an improvement! There was one question that floored me. What did it feel like to be gang raped? Wow! That was a question! I had no idea of what the person was asking. I mean physically or mentally/emotionally. I went with the mental/emotional avenue.
I can’t get over what a question it was. I had never tried to express that. What was it like? It was horrifying, degrading, terrorizing, and taught me how cruel people can be. It, as I stated in group, taught me ways in which people can be broken that I never dreamed of. It was confusing. I think I can honestly state that right there my faith in mankind went in to a coma.
Am I proud of that moment in group? Yes, I am. I brought it up and discussed it. Do I still have to work through my fear of those memories? Dear Lady Light yes! The panic attack I had after group was an impressive one. I was able to calm myself, but it has been a while since I have had one like that. Even writing this is challenging. I won’t lie about that. The reason I am writing about it? I can’t let that fear control me. It is a toxin in my life and I want to be rid of it. How I go about that I am not quite sure.
My question to you: What fear is holding you back?
Peace and blessings my friends