This week I will be in Michigan for a team meeting and I am apprehensive about it. Why? Because of a business trip a couple of years ago. Yep, a memory is kind of freaking me out.
In 2010, at the height of my depression, I went on a business trip. I didn’t want to go. Instead of saying anything of how I was feeling I went with the advice of others. Major mistake. Not their advice, but not honestly voicing how I was feeling. I was waiting for someone to tell me that I didn’t have to go. The problem is that I didn’t share how bad off I was at that moment. I was suicidal.
Upon arrival at the hotel in Chicago I had a melt down. At that time I was a vegetarian and I ordered a beef for dinner. Why? I was hoping for a nice sharp knife. I was going to end it all. Thankfully the knife didn’t come. Instead of breaking a glass and using that I collapsed on the floor crying and then slept in the middle of the bed surrounded by my computer and work papers. It was not a great trip by any means. I was lucky that I had Ali and Pete via computer to help talk me off the ledge. I hid that whole trip. It was horrible, but I did survive it.
The problem is that memory. I now get anxious when I travel for business and only for business. Rationally I know that is off, but I can’t help it. I could go up to Michigan this week seeing only family and friends being completely calm. Throw in the business aspect and I get jittery.
There is good news. I know what is causing it and I can deal with it. I am not in the same place I was two years ago. It is not the same situation. I also have a crazy arsenal of tools in my bag to pull out. Then there is the attitude. I am not afraid of stating what is going on and asking for help. That is a huge difference.
What makes you apprehensive? Is it tied to a past experience? If so, how do you deal with it?
Peace and blessings.