When we grow up in a dysfunctional home it is hard for us to find our identity. Being raised in an environment which dictated our behaviour mirror, or was totally dependent on, another denied us the skills that we need. As adults, especially ones that are trying to heal, we have to avoid the traps that come with task.
There are two traps that we can fall in to. The first one is where we find our identity based on others. What I mean is that how we feel or our outlook on life is tied to other people. If we are getting the attention we need or feed back that we want then everything is okay. The problem is that we are tying our “being” to another human being. Human beings are fallible. When we do this we feel that we are giving control of ourselves to someone else. When they disappoint us our whole world can crumble. There is also the issue of controlling them. While we may not realize that we have tied ourselves to a person subconsciously we are aware. This leads us to acting in ways that we think will get us the support we need to feel good. Unfortunately the result is usually people leaving our lives.
The other trap is similar. It is building your identity around the expectations of others. In this case we end up living a life in which we try to keep everyone happy. Of course this is impossible and results in unhappy people every which way we turn. This includes ourselves. Again we are human beings and are fallible.
There is only one solution and that is to be true to yourself. Learn to emotionally support yourself and to be honest. It is the hardest thing to do, trust me I know, but in the long run it keeps the hurt to a minimum. We are responsible for ourselves and we can’t control others. Life is one long lesson on that. Save yourself and listen to it instead of fighting it.
Peace and blessings.