Today I had to do something that was incredibly difficult. I had to say good-bye to a very dear person in my life and walk away. Easily the hardest thing I have done since burying Sean.
So why did I do it? Because our friendship has been hurting both of us. In my appointment with Pavel today it was brought to my attention that our relationship had fallen to the level of being abusive in some ways. Emotionally and very controlling. I was sickened by that. I mean how did I let this happen? To give us both the best shot at healing I ended the friendship.
This person and I have been there for each other during some of the darkest days of our recovery. We have walked the path of healing together. Holding each other up when needed. What I never noticed until now was the unhealthy dependency that developed. I am partially to blame. Maybe more than partially, I don’t know. Either way what has developed in our relationship has becoming dangerously unhealthy. That is for both of us.
I hate what I did today. I hate that I left this person who has been so important to me. I feel like an incredible bitch and evil human being, but I know that it is also the best thing to do. I have been having some very dark thoughts and I don’t want to go back to those places.
My hope is that one day we can reconnect and have a healthy relationship. One that is not fostered on insurmountable need. That we can have a friendship that is based on a healthy desire for each others company.
Right now though I have myself. Even though I know it is the right thing to do I absolutely hate myself. Being healthy sucks when you know that good self-care means hurting someone else.
Peace and blessings.