Okay sometimes I love group and at other times not so much. Last night was a mix that leaned towards the “not so much”. After getting caught up on what two of us missed the session before the ball was lobbed my way by Pavel which I expected.
My issue with this is that I seem to fail at sharing emotional stuff like the loss of Jason. Yesterday I had my psychiatrist appointment also. This means that at 4 PM I was reviewing how I was doing with Dr. Radfar and being scrutinized for mental health. Then at 7 PM I got to do it again with the group. There seems to be the beliefs that if I don’t break down in front of people then I don’t connect. Do I really have to sob uncontrollably to relay my grief? Does not crying in public make me less approachable?
I struggled yesterday with so much. My allergies are in over drive and I’m tired. There I was at group trying not to lose my voice completely, cough like a crazed human being and avoiding just falling over dead asleep. What is picked up? That I wasn’t emotional enough seems to be the hook. As I was speaking at one point my breathing got erratic. Totally allergy related as I was trying not to have a complete hacking episode. When asked about it I explain it is my allergies and then get pushed on if it really was.
Is it really so bad that I don’t want to break down in a public forum? Why is it bad that I would rather cry in private? Why is it so horrible that I may not feel the need to break down in public? Is it so strange that I can discuss loss without melting down?
Thankfully I don’t have any more appointments until next week. Though I have to admit that now I am thinking of bailing on group. Which of course begs the question if some buttons have been pushed. LOL!
What are your thoughts?
Peace and blessings my friends.