A small box of Kleenex. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Okay sometimes I love group and at other times not so much. Last night was a mix that leaned towards the “not so much”. After getting caught up on what two of us missed the session before the ball was lobbed my way by Pavel which I expected.
My issue with this is that I seem to fail at sharing emotional stuff like the loss of Jason. Yesterday I had my psychiatrist appointment also. This means that at 4 PM I was reviewing how I was doing with Dr. Radfar and being scrutinized for mental health. Then at 7 PM I got to do it again with the group. There seems to be the beliefs that if I don’t break down in front of people then I don’t connect. Do I really have to sob uncontrollably to relay my grief? Does not crying in public make me less approachable?
I struggled yesterday with so much. My allergies are in over drive and I’m tired. There I was at group trying not to lose my voice completely, cough like a crazed human being and avoiding just falling over dead asleep. What is picked up? That I wasn’t emotional enough seems to be the hook. As I was speaking at one point my breathing got erratic. Totally allergy related as I was trying not to have a complete hacking episode. When asked about it I explain it is my allergies and then get pushed on if it really was.
Is it really so bad that I don’t want to break down in a public forum? Why is it bad that I would rather cry in private? Why is it so horrible that I may not feel the need to break down in public? Is it so strange that I can discuss loss without melting down?
Thankfully I don’t have any more appointments until next week. Though I have to admit that now I am thinking of bailing on group. Which of course begs the question if some buttons have been pushed. LOL!
What are your thoughts?
Peace and blessings my friends.
methinks your allergies were telling you it was a time to be silent rather than speak. Our body often conspires to give us what we need. It can’t always be about opening up and being vulnerable. Sometimes it’s about being still and watching. Just my two cents worth.
I totally agree with you Joss. I have to say that I was very tempted to not go on Monday. I should have listened to my inner voice! Peace and blessings.
You will cry when you need to cry! No one can force emotions from you, and sometimes its just a matter of pride. I dont know your story but i too suffer from depression which i have posted about only a day or so ago.
You need to do what is right and what feels right for you
I totally agree with you Clare. I hate feeling like I almost have to perform for people to be comfortable. Peace and blessings my friend