Is this a stage of overload? I’ve been asking myself this for the last couple of days. I don’t know how to explain where I am now. I figure I will do a brain dump here (lucky you) and see what comes up.
My head/brain is all over the place. I am thinking to fast and jumping from one thing to another. It is just building. There are thoughts on so many topics running through my head. I have thoughts about abuse running around. Feeling the loss of Sean, Jason and others. Doubt. Doubt is running around my head like crazy. About what you ask? Everything and anything. The comment was made the other day “If your head is continuously used as a baseball by your significant others then don’t you have to realize it is you?” Just typing that makes my eyes roll so hard it is scary. How can that be said in this day and age? Yes, there is some truth, in a way. If we do not see the patterns of our relationships we are part of the equation, but that statement just smacks of blaming the victim. Which is an issue for me. I still doubt myself when it comes the abuse. That is a constant battle for me.
The last couple of days I haven’t been able to sit still. I am jumping out of my skin. It feels like sensory overload. I want.. need this to stop. The only thing that comes to mind is self-harm. I just know that it will help with all of this. Why? I have no idea. I can feel it calling to me with that seductive voice. Will it fix what is going on? No, but it may buy me some breathing room. Maybe. Of course, I could react with self-loathing for self-harming after almost two years free of it.
Sean’s girl friend got married in the last couple of weeks. I am so very happy for her and her new husband. They are so cute together and just wonderful. I do have to admit to having a few moments of seeing Sean in their wedding pictures. Sigh.
I am noticing that my patience for work is diminishing rather rapidly. What to do on the front besides find a way to get over it. I just don’t know how to pull that off.
Basically I feel like I am being electrified. Everything is buzzing. My head, body and emotions. What do you do with this? I have no idea.
My hope is that this brain dump will help.
Peace and blessings.