I have been in this place for a while. I realized the other day it is the “I am way better than I was and still feel safe.” Not a bad place to be, but I can’t stay here. Even though I want to with all my heart and soul.
Do I really want to stay here? Yes and no. It is a safe place and I am happier than I have been in ages. Possibly happier than I have been my whole life. The problem is I am settling.
I am currently so far from where I was when I started this blog that it amazes me. I do remember being in that place. It was dark and unforgiving. I smile with joy and wonder when I realize how far I have come. The problem is I have farther to go. My path doesn’t end here. I realized this in the last week or so and it hit home, hard.
I think it has been building. This feeling of being anxious. The desire to self-harm returning. When I find myself staring at life, feelings, knowledge and instinct with “I’m safe and happy. Let this be enough” I know that it isn’t. This wish for it to be enough comes from fear and it is lie.
A lie to who? To me, to you. those I love and the divine. Is it fair? No, it isn’t. What does it really mean though? It means that I have rested and it is now time to continue the journey. If I truly want to pursue my dreams I have to continue healing.
That is what I am going to do.
Peace and blessings my friends.