I was in Michigan a couple of weeks ago. I was to watch Ry for several days while Jenn was out-of-town. The plans changed and instead we had some great bonding time.
One thing that always happens when we are together is cleaning. We always clean the others house. While doing just that during the visit I had an “ah-ha” moment. I realized how easy it is for some of us to live in chaos and to spot it when others are. I am one of those people.
Growing up my life was chaotic. Our house may not have looked it, but it was. It was always lurking in the darkness or around the corner.
As an adult I find the chaos is more of a physical manifestation. My desk is a mess or my bedroom. I tend to keep the public places of the house clean, but my private can be a mess. This also goes with my body. Depending on where my state of chaos is on a scale of 1 to 10 determines what my weight is. Stating this I realize that I feel like chaos is controlling part of my life. When my life is chaotic my private spaces looks like a deranges family of trolls are living there. What is creating this chaotic feeling?
The answer is complicated. Part of it is that my chaos mirrors what is going on internally. When I am “working” something chaos visits. Is it fear? Honestly, that is part of it. Plus it is a stubbornness. I am usually working something I would rather not. That is the reason it has to be “worked”. It is like my internal teenager is reacting to having to do something that I don’t want to and isn’t fair!
*insert hair flip, foot stomp, and have that said in a valley girl accent*
Allowing parts of myself slip in to chaos gives me an excuse to ignore what needs to be worked on. It is the perfect excuse and a self-defeating cycle.
Ultimately the chaos is a way to stuff my feelings or stop working on that which needs to be worked. The path through this is to let the chaos occur. To accept it and work what I need to. I can’t allow myself to be side tracked, but have to keep moving forward with trips to the washing machine planned along the way.
Peace and blessings.