My mother has been drinking. We won’t go in to the reasons here as I have discussed them in the past. Fear, uncertainty and the inability to cope in a healthy matter. This isn’t about her, but it is about me. My reaction to her drinking.
I am in this place I call compassion. The more I understand my mother the more I feel for her. Do I like her drinking? Fuck no. I think I understand why she does it though. That understanding brings up a question. The question is am I being compassionate, co-dependent or simply insane?
Co-dependent is up first. Am I being co-dependent? From my perspective no. I am continuing with my normal life and limiting how much this impacts me. My reaction is much difference in some ways. I am not trying to control it. I am looking at what it is, accepting, and then moving on in my day compassionately. No guilt. Not for her or for me. I realize that her drinking has nothing to do with me. It has to do with her inner… whatever. My reaction, whatever it is, has nothing to do with her, but where I am. In the past I have always taken it as an affront. Like it was a personal attack. It never has been. I realize that now. Am I co-dependent for loving her? For not treating her harshly?
Or am I insane? One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. Am I doing that? The question has to be asked if I am doing the same thing, but feel that calling it by a different name I will get a different outcome? I don’t know. What is different this time? I’m not punishing her. With words, tone, looks or actions. I am acknowledging her behavior and moving on.
Maybe it really is compassion. Could it be that I am moving past the behavior and understanding the thinking/feeling that lies beneath? Does my ability to take my experience with cutting and apply it to her make sense? Am I really in this place where I think compassion for the person is more important than punishment for a disastrous coping mechanism? If this is compassion at what point does it stop? Do we still call it compassion if we decide that we can’t live with the behavior and the person has to leave? Does compassion have a limit?
I don’t know the answers to any of the above. The answer could be one, a combination of two or all three. I have no idea, because is there really answer? A solid, this is the line, kind of answer. I don’t know.
Peace and blessings.