The healthier I get the more I realize how messed up I was. This really comes to the forefront when I hit a bump. This is one of those times.
I spent years with a wall built around me. It was very hard for people to get past it and only select people did. There are so many reasons for this. One of them is feeling that people needed me. I took that to mean that I came second. That I had to come second as everyone else was more important. If I could help someone then I had to.
At my last individual appointment with Pavel I realized that I still do this. I shut down in the session and fell back upon my old thought patterns. I drove home thinking it was just time to quit and move on from therapy. Talk about a trip down memory lane! The reason is that he hit the mark. Am I more open? Yes, but there is still so much room for growth there. The last couple of weeks is driving that point home.
When I start to feel overwhelmed I shut down emotionally. I go in to complete “take care of it” mode. Doesn’t matter what “it” is. The problem is that I try to solve things that aren’t mine to solve. One example is my mother’s drinking. Not mine to fix. Unfortunately I am struggling with this and it is starting to spread to other area’s of my life. This old behaviour is rearing up and tripping me up.
The good news is that I am recognizing this. Talk about timing. This is the perfect time for me to struggle. To allow me to focus on what I have been side stepping, ignoring, whistling and looking at the sky whenever it tickles the old head. You would think that by now I know that ignoring doesn’t make stuff go away it just allows issues to get so big you can’t ignore them!
What do I from here? I don’t know. The emotional issues are there. I have made progress and I won’t deny that, but….. HUGE SIGH….. I hate dealing with emotional issues. I guess that is the problem.
Peace and blessings my friends.