Lilith, oil on canvas by carved by John Collier (1887). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love that my spirituality is deepening daily. My connection to the Divine is one of the most cherished aspects of my life. I know how truly blessed I am.

But…..

There are times when a deep and close tie to the divine is a wee bit of a pain in the tuckus.

*I will pause and allow for the gasps of shock*

Yep, I said it. Here is the thing with my spirituality and tie to the Goddess. It is not masked in ceremony and ritual. It is an honest, day-to-day, moment to moment and down to earth communion. I have no issue with dropping to my knees in humble thanksgiving or standing my ground and insisting on some boundaries. They are one in the same for me. I don’t look at the Goddess as unapproachable. Hell I go to Her with everything and when She pulls stuff I disagree with I will totally go in to bargaining mode. If you don’t try you will never know, right?

One of my beliefs is that I share every aspect of my life with the Divine. She and I go through life together and because of this I do have boundaries in place. If you are very close to the Divine you will occasionally have visits from it. It can come in many formats and I am good with most of them. The one that irks me? When She makes herself at home in this body and puts me in the corner without notice. Or when she puts me in the closet and only lets me out when she has taken what she wants. Sound insane? Actually this experience is common in all religious beliefs. The closer your ties to the Divine the more startling they become.

Yesterday was one of those days. I had the joy of spending the day with Kin. At one point the Mother came in, put me off to the side and took over.

Let me stop here and give thanks for the fact that my love is just as experienced and tied to his spirituality as I am so he didn’t go running downing the street while dialing 911.

Do I understand why what happened did? Yes, I do. Do I have any objections to it being done? Nope, I don’t. Do I have huge issues with the way it occurred? Oh darn Skippy I do! That being said this evening there will be dedicated time to the Mother and a reminder of boundaries.

Will it do any good? Probably not, but at least I will feel like I did something.

Peace and blessings my loves….

As I have stated in an earlier post I am back out dating. It has been a wee bit over a month since I joined the site Adult Friend Finder (AFF) and it has been crazy. Now my plan, yep I had one, was simple. Go out and get reacquainted with sex and my sexual side. The relationship aspect could sit in the corner for another month, year, and possibly a life time. It was  a great plan! Seriously! I gave it a lot of thought and it worked out great for roughly two weeks. I had sex. I had different partners. I was discovering myself. Woo HOO! All going according to plan. Love when that happens.

Then the Divine must have decided that I had enough, because BAM!

That BAM is named Kin. Kin was also on AFF and a friend of a friend. One day our mutual friend walks past him and the computer, looks over and states “Hey! That’s Mary.” That my friends is what is called a wrap. All done. Game called.

See Kin had the same concept that I did. Go and have fun, but nothing serious. How is that working out for us? Great! We are currently in a relationship. Yup! The playing appears to be over and I am thrilled. I love having him in my life. I get that everything I have experienced has been to bring me to this place… To him.

There have been some crazy changes in my life. I hate being apart from him. It is a physical ache when I am. We seriously resemble a teenage couple when we are together. Annoying? Yep, but in such a great way. I won’t change any of this.

Is it occasionally scarier than crap?? Oh HELL yes! Even though I do find it scary when I take a step back I realize that my fear is based on old thinking. There is nothing to fear here. What happens will happen. I am going to enjoy the journey.

Now I won’t lie and say that I have been completely graceful on the acceptance side. I have looked to the Mother and given her the “Really?” routine. I totally admit that I

Of Mice and Men (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

have. The funny thing is the message back is “Really Dear One. Really. My Plan, not yours”.

My latest mission is closing down my AFF account. I have to contact the men that I have met and let them know. Nope, I can’t just ignore them and hope that they go away. There are a few that I hope I will stay friends with. They are good people and I know that Kin will like them.

I’m learning to accept this new leg of my journey. One moment at a time. Occasionally tightening the seat belt and making sure the helmet is secure, but loving every minute of it. My plan is out the window, but I think I like this one more. Just don’t tell the Goddess.

Peace and blessings my friends!

Cover of Universe

If I say to you “You have everything you need to live the life you want”, would you look at me in disbelief? I say to you that you do. Let go of the past, you can’t change it. Don’t let it hold you back. Plan for the future, but don’t live there as it hasn’t happened. It is a story that is untold. Look around you now and know that you are loved by the Universe.

Life (Photo credit: bitzcelt)

I’ve been living life, as stated in my last post. What does that mean? Part of it is that I have started dating. In this case, dating includes having sex.

*I know! Huge, isn’t it?*

So how did this happen? I’ve been talking about it for a while and I realized last week that is all I had been doing. Talking about it, but not acting on it. I acted on it and it is really good for the most part.

What is that “most part”? My “old” self occasionally pops up and messes with me. Old is taking the form of panic attacks. Two of them so far. One was at a very inopportune moment and I was, thankfully, able to control it. The second was today at work. That one I couldn’t control and just had to ride it out. During the dang thing I admit to questioning if this whole healing and living life “thing” was worth it. After it was over, as I was starting to berate myself, I realized that the panic attack actually meant nothing. It was a reaction to that one moment. Old programming, if you will. Nothing more than that.

This is why I say I am living life one step at a time. We have a moment or take a step and then move on. All of life is that way, but we ignore it.

Peace and blessings.

Miss E. Moore (LOC) (Photo credit: The Library of Congress)

Hello there! Yep, I have been missing in action. I am sorry about that, but I am not sorry that I have been living my life. See that is where I have been. Out there, living.

Are you living your life? Do you start each day looking for opportunity or are you waiting for someone to lead you?

Peace and blessings my friends.

reiki dibujo (Photo credit: ♣ ℓ u m i è r e ♣)

I never considered that I would have an awkward moment with my therapist. Wait, since I have them all the time let me specify. An awkward moment based on being a Reiki healer and a therapy patient. As of yesterday and this morning, I can now cross that off my to do list.

Pavel cancelled my appointment for today last evening. After my moment of jubilation as I realized I could sleep as long as I wanted I got hit with another feeling. The “offer healing” feeling. Here is where this gets complicated. I don’t want him to think I am imposing or being nosey. Last night I went with the “don’t intrude” side and slept poorly. The sleep situation is tied to not offering healing. When I get hit with that if I don’t offer it becomes more intense. It is like having someone knocking on you door and they won’t stop. I actually get jittery and stressed after a while. I just sent an email stating I didn’t have to know anything just a yes or no. I also gave the option of “bugger off”. At least now I can take a nap to make up for the lack of sleep last night.

While I don’t work in the traditional “medical” world I do have a way I can assist people. I am discovering that when I can help and don’t offer for whatever reason (I feel it is inappropriate it or they make think I am a nut) I get very uncomfortable. It is easier to offer and roll with the outcome then not sleep!

Peace and blessings my friends!

Recognizing that I need to be gentle with myself is one step. The next step is fighting the old thinking of “just power through it”. That is so much harder. In the past I would always fight this whole situation. That only leads to sinking deeper in to it. So today I will attempt to let the day be as it is. Not wallow in it, but not fight it.

Do you recognize when you need to be gentle with yourself and do you honor that need? If so, how? If not, why?

Peace and blessings my friends.

Klettverschluss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Are you feeling stuck? Wondering why the issues that you are having are occurring? Asking for things to change, but they aren’t? What is holding you back? Ready?

YOU

Yup, it is that simple and so complicated. I’ve said it before, but let me repeat, Buddhism states that the root of all suffering is attachment. Let’s take a look at what that really means. How often do we stay in relationships longer than we should? What are the thoughts tied to that behavior? For me it was that I could “fix” the problem and make my abusive relationship better. I wasn’t attached to the abuse, but the fear of failing at the relationship. That I could fix it whatever caused the abuse. Reality is that my ego was mixed up in that attitude. The abuse, in my mind, was about me. In reality it was about him. Staying was about me. Continuously accepting it was about me. When I finally had enough I left, but to truly break it I moved two states away. Why? I realized that the only way to break my attachment to him was a distance. What else kept me there? Fear was the other factor. While there was fear of what would happen if I left the real fear was “what if this is the only relationship I can have”. That fear kept me tied to him far longer than the fear of physical harm or even death.

What issues are keeping us uncomfortable? One that I am currently tackling is my health. I’ve gained a LOT of weight in the last year and I hate it. I knew it was happening and, honestly, I knew why. The question is why didn’t I stop it? Why did I let it get to this point? There are several answers. All of them are attachment based and tied to the main issue. I don’t feel that I deserve to take care of myself. Maybe that isn’t all of it, but part. Fear is part of it. Fear of getting to a place where I am healthy and happy. Getting to that place means I value myself and have nothing to hide. That scares me. What happens if I no longer desire to harm myself in some way? While I no longer self-harm in ways that are obvious I do by over eating. I still fear reaching out to be happy and having it ripped away. That being said I am tackling it. I joined a gym this past weekend. I have been meeting with a trainer and even signed up for concierge service. Basically this means that this lovely woman, Ingrid, will harass the heck out of me if I am not going to the club. We are talking calls and emails. Yes, I will do everything I can to avoid that.

At different points in our life we all feel stuck. I am the queen of it! The trick is to take a deep breath and power through the fear. It isn’t easy and is very scary, but we can all do it.

Ask yourself what is hurting in your life and look at where the attachment is.

Peace and blessings my sweets!

Inclusion–exclusion illustrated for three sets (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

does. Why is it so hard?

Today I am looking at inclusion from the point of my life. Where I am now and what I need to include. I am taking steps in my life to include more things that benefit me. This includes diet and exercise. It also includes living my life my way. Following my heart and working through painful and scary things. One scary factor is working to include all aspects of the divine in my life. Not just the cute and comfy parts. No matter how you work with the divine in life you must realize that, like nature, there are some less than cute and cuddly parts to it. My goal is that by including and embracing them I will heal more.

Think inclusion and ask how you can apply it.

Peace and blessings!

elevator (Photo credit: Jose R. Borras)

bring some new energy in to the group. Pavel does this exercise of asking “Who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” Then, based off of only first impressions, you chose and say why. Then you talk about what you think each person would be like. It is a really interesting exercise. Today it annoyed the freaking snot of me.

The reason is really stupid, but it is tied to the Bitch being back. Being more assertive. The new guy, when he got to me, stated that he felt I would probably want to meditate on the situation. All earth mother feel to it.

***Sigh***

I feel the need to let everyone in on a little secret. When the doo-doo hits the fan I am the person you want. When the question was first asked I really thought about what I would do if I stuck in an elevator. Here is what immediately came to mind:

Trust me I would get you out of the elevator.

Am I serious? Yep, I sure am. This is how my mind really works. My goal would be to get us out as quickly and safely as possible. There might be meditation, but it would be a long after we got out of the elevator. It probably involve wine.

Peace and blessings peanuts!